I feel like I'm a hopeless romantic. I can't help falling in love. - Rihanna "Drunk on Love"
All day, I prioritize. It's basically my job. At work, the essence of my being is to figure out what needs to be seen by who and when. I am the gatekeeper of all data. I answer questions. I find solutions. I integrate those solutions into our work in the most natural, artless manner possible. When I introduce these solutions, they are to appear as if they had always been there. Even in organizing... whenever I move things, it has to be sensible. Everyone should be able to find everything if they simply think. Art supplies are in the light room. Stationary is in my top drawer. Filing shits on the bottom. & while some people gain comfort and start to do things on their own, others take more time. My job is then to remind them -- as kindly as possible. Depending on who it is, I'll get it for them. If it's my boss, I've got it. If not, you have hands. Now, one might not have written that in the description of my job (I'm not just here to organize supplies) but every position you take in life is actually more than what it is --if you do it right. If you do it well.
I try to do as much as I possibly can all the time. I used to do this to take my mind off of things. There was simply shit I would rather not think about --the shit that hurts, for example. Because that's what you think about right? Whenever the room goes silent? Or do you even allow the room to go silent? I never used to. TV. Music. AIM. Something, for as long as I can remember. Until a few weeks ago, I was the girl with the headphones in her ears. I'm not sure what I tried to block out; myself or other people? I figure it was other people because even when I listened to music, I'd put the same song on repeat in hopes to solicit whatever feeling I felt at the time. Let me be mad at some nigga --Keyshia Cole's "The Way it is" will play through for days.
All I can think about is money. So much so that I can't piece this paragraph together with the last. smh. It's a problem. An addiction. I don't know what else to do. It's the only thing that wont leave. It's the only thing I don't have that will bring me happiness. [I had to come back in and edit this so you wont judge me so easily. As much as I say I don't give a fuck, I do. It's not that I love money itself, but it's the only thing worth chasing to me. Its the only thing I can go after that will be beneficial to me. Chasing some man never gets me anywhere. It gets me right here, behind this computer screen, except instead of helping you all be happy, I'd be Miss Misery her fucking self. That's not healthy. It's not healthy to be unhappy. It should be illegal. Cigarettes and unhappiness. So all I can think to do now if find a way to become ridiculously profitable. As profitable as possible. & Buy my mom a farm in Santo Domingo. Typical shit. I need to know what I am capable of. What is my worth? I want Forbes to tell me, too.] I'm comfortable. With everything. And everyone. I love my family. I love my friends. I love the city that I'm from. I love the city I'm in. I love my job. Only thing I don't have is a man... but men don't really make me happy. *shrugs* Not the ones I know, at least. This isn't a beginning of the turn to the other side, it's true independence. I was walking around the office today and the thought came to mind of needing to feel love. See, I sometimes have to walk around the block to the other buildings (& its not bad. There be niggas out there sometimes ;) lol) but I had a smile across my face. Unlike Beyonce's song, it wasn't because of you. None of you. Regardless of any man, I am where I am. It feels fabulous. The reason it's so fabulous is because I've surrounded myself with people who love me --without just cause.
I used to think I didn't have friends. I know realize that I might be one of the most fortunate people on the face of the earth. Sometimes, you think that because you're alone in a room, you're alone in the world. The world is bigger than that. Someone loves you. When all else fails, my mommy loves me. When my ego's hurting, I have an ex who I know would marry me if I told him to (he likes me mean lol). The question though, is why that even matters. Am I that scared? Of being alone? I have control over every other part of my life except the part that involves someone else. I've begun to accept that. The only thing I have control over is how happy I'll be if I end up alone. It's a tough realization. I'm saddened by the fact that I even have to speak it into the air... but I know I'll love again. & if the next one ends, I'll love again. And again. They can't stop me. I'm drunk off love :) I used to hold it all in... I'd be consumed in anger thinking that this muthafucka has the nerve to not call me? ok. And then I'd go insane. The thing is, I can't do that anymore. I have shit to do. I have to go to work tomorrow. I can't lose sleep forreal. And if I do lose sleep, it's for me. For a good reason. For my pleasure.
Pleasuring me should be the most important thing in the world to both of us. Keeping a smile on my face. You're second. After I decide you care enough about me, I'll make you happy... but the moment the smile leaves me face, I don't give a fuck. Katelynn calls me stubborn. I told her I just don't see the point of niggas forreal. Not if they stress me out. The idea of a man laying in my bed pissing me off makes my back hurt. I've stopped caring. And I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. Men have fallen to the very bottom of my list. Like... I don't care about their emotions... because I'm not sure they care about mine most times. Sad thing about it all is that I really do love love. I want love so badly that I see things too clearly. Too many people have too many ulterior motives. Not just in relationships, but in friendships as well. I've narrowed down my friends. I know who'll be at my wedding in Vegas (yup.). Time apart has helped me to see who's still around and who's not. Who really likes me and who doesn't. It's allowed me to see my value to everyone. Everyone knows I don't pick up the phone. But some people still call. Others don't. I hope a lot of people lose my number.
I'm going out this weekend. And I'm gettin stupid saucy. I don't typically condone buffoonery but I'm going home. I'm not sure you all know what that means. I love home. And home loves me, yo. There's nothing more gratifying than the thoughts of your friends --after 16 years of knowing each other -- still look forward to you coming home. That's love. & I've got plenty of it. My friends are important to me. By me saying, "I have no friends," I really mean, "I have no one to go out with right now"... I suppose I should be more grateful. And then there's my mom. And it's fuckin Thanksgiving. If you've ever tasted my mother's food, you know my doorway is the entrance to heaven on holidays. No one cooks better than my mother. #Promise. And then there's Jose. smh. lol. Can't wait, yo. lol
Back to the point... some shit just isn't important. I liked boys way too much for way too long, man. I used to give my heart and had nothing left for me. So I know that the next relationship I'm in is going to be a good one. & fuck it. I'll love him, too. I'm going to continue to be a good, happy person no matter the circumstances. I haven't given up on the dream, y'all. Happily ever after is there, I know it. It's just not once upon a time yet. But... you never know when it is ;) That's the fun of it. I'm not afraid because I know he'll be a "good" guy by definition. I don't pick them too poorly (unless thats what I'm lookin for lol). So I expect something.. actually, I expect nothing. I allow the entertainment as it comes. I won't look for it, though. My stock price just when up. Strap on your seat-belts and adjust your wallets. lol. But forreal, I'm thankful for the priority I put on myself. I'd have never been able to understand my worth. What's trippin me out right now is how much I'll be worth later smh.
Get your minds right, Ladies. And wear pretty panties.
xoxo,
Ella
ooohhhhh!!!! that's what happened. I was <3'ing this boy for a little bit.
He hasn't called in a while :(
*shrugs* lol
He reads this, so we'll see if I'm what's really important.
boys. smh.
I'm going to bedddd. I got too much money to make in the morning. <3
