A queen is not a queen because she has not failed. A queen is a queen because failure has not stopped her.
Lil Kim - Human
"I've been thinking about when you're gonna show up unannounced," I replied. I had to get the fuck to work, and truthfully, I don't have the time. He was slowing down my stroll. "I don't need my hand held," I informed him as we walked down the subway steps - my right hand cupped and strangled by his. I had a lot of thinking to do this morning. Much, much more than I had planned on in fact. Kendell's been calling. He's been texting. I was waiting for him to show up. He lives down the block, so every time I walk home from work, I cross streets with a defensive vigilance, looking over my shoulder thinking about the pink pistol I looked up online. $500. Plus the permit and whatever else NY state would like to charge me. I just need a couple weeks.
I told him I wanted him dead and I meant it. He's well aware. He knows I'm insane enough to do it, intelligent enough to wait. I closed the apartment door behind me and, as I turned, I noticed 2 cigarette stubs sitting up against the wall --someone was coming back for those. When I glanced up, I was looking the devil in his eyes. Fortunately, I've gotten to a point in my life where I take my own advice --for the sake of you all (I thank the Gods for this blog, yo lol) -- and I went about my motions as if he wasn't there. One of the elevators in my building has been out for weeks, today was the only day I was pissed off about it. I sat and watched the numbers change on the dial as he explained how much he loved me and missed me, asking me if I heard him when I didn't respond. "I hear you," I'd say.
"I miss you."
"I know."
"I love you."
"Okay."
Don't engage, I repeated to myself. Stick to your guns, I'd say. I can't lie... eventually, after looking at him for too long, I started to remember how happy he had once made me. I can't deny that he had put smiles on my face. "If I were to even consider trying things with you again," I explained, "I'd be the stupidest person on the face of the earth." You see, I had forgiven him once. We'd "tried" twice.
"We started off on the wrong foot," he kept on.
"Twice?" I asked "We tried the left, then we tried the right. We have no more feet left." I know he wanted to laugh at it, as did I, but the truth behind it was to loud to ignore. He knows it should be over, but I think he's lonely. Not only is he lonely, but it's going to take him a bit to find someone like me --if he ever does. Thing is, he might, but he has to let me go first. Sometimes, relationships are meant to end. As I told CJ on the phone last night, in order to find the one, everything else must fail --inevitably. If you are going to find the one everything will fail until you come across him. & if you've already found the one everything else will fail moving forward.
The purpose of relationships is to get a better understanding of what you need.
We're attracted to people for different reasons. I believe this is why our perfect guy would talk like guy A, walk like guy B, look like guy C and so on. If you take a moment to think about those things, you'll be able to pick out the pieces that may complete you. I loved Kendell's ruggedness. I loved his rawness - the truth and integrity along with his masculinity, because he was practically a definition for it. I detest his temperament. He never lets me win. From that relationship, I understood what I need --I need a man who looks the part and plays the part --except with me. I need a man who leaves the streets in the streets. Who knows the difference between me and the rest of these bitches. Who understands that my place is on a pedestal --also understanding that I've saved him a spot up here beside me. Not only that, but I need him to see that from the beginning. I don't have the time to "prove" I'm worth it, a man should determine that for himself before even approaching me. Don't speak to me unless you really think I'm worth it, otherwise, we're simply wasting each other's time. "I got it now, I promise. I understand you," he was practically begging. Unfortunately for him, it's a little too late.
We're attracted to people for different reasons. I believe this is why our perfect guy would talk like guy A, walk like guy B, look like guy C and so on. If you take a moment to think about those things, you'll be able to pick out the pieces that may complete you. I loved Kendell's ruggedness. I loved his rawness - the truth and integrity along with his masculinity, because he was practically a definition for it. I detest his temperament. He never lets me win. From that relationship, I understood what I need --I need a man who looks the part and plays the part --except with me. I need a man who leaves the streets in the streets. Who knows the difference between me and the rest of these bitches. Who understands that my place is on a pedestal --also understanding that I've saved him a spot up here beside me. Not only that, but I need him to see that from the beginning. I don't have the time to "prove" I'm worth it, a man should determine that for himself before even approaching me. Don't speak to me unless you really think I'm worth it, otherwise, we're simply wasting each other's time. "I got it now, I promise. I understand you," he was practically begging. Unfortunately for him, it's a little too late.
"I'm not stalking you. if I was, I'd be at your door every day," he argued. "I've only shown up three times." I stopped and looked at him.
"I'm very happy right now," I told him. He got on the train with me. I sat in the two-seater because I knew he'd be hounding me the whole ride. I wanted to give him an opportunity to say whwat he needed to say. Sometimes, we "talk about it" too much. Sometimes, there's nothing left to discuss. That person simply wants to opportunity to convince you. A simple chance to change your mind. I've been on the other end before and, in reality, it's not healthy for either party. No further conversation is needed because once you start talking things, go too far.
"So you're with someone else now?" he asked
"My personal life is none of your business," I answered, "But I'm very happy." I had spent the first 10 minutes of the ride wondering if I should tell him I have a boyfriend. We think that maybe that might change his mind... but all that would do is upset him and break his big heart a little more. All it does is fuel jealousy and any woman willing to fuel jealousy doesn't need to be in a relationship. To me, that just shows you that she looks for drama. There's no need to be malicious. There's no need to even consider the other person's feelings. What you need to do is give them as little as possible. Don't engage. There's no need for me to explain my feelings or my thoughts if I've already made up my mind. And as I looked at him (he was dressed so cute. I loveee a man in ripped jeans, though. #weakness #random.) and I considered maybe... you know... because I've been lonely. It was a "Dearest Love" situation. I have no one to hold me. Except, I realized, what I need is someone to love me.
"It can be better," he promised.
"I know. And that's why I can't be with you," I answered. I made sure to look him in the eyes when I said it so he knows that it's real. I had to say it to him clear so that we both understood what I was saying.
"You're crazy, yo. What's wrong with you?"
"It's not that I'm crazy, it's that I'm telling you the truth. You might not have heard so much of it before."
"I know. That's why I love you," he said smiling. And I'm the one who's crazy? We'll say anything won't we? When we think we're in love. We'll try it all just to hold onto that person. We'll make it up to them anyway possible. Frankly though --and I learned this the hard way-- you shouldn't have fucked up in the first place. I just can't lie to myself. I could try it with him again --and get away with it. I could get wrapped up in a secret love affair just off of loneliness. Just to have someone there. I can't lie, it felt good to have someone ride with me to work --it always does --but I understand that he's not the right person to do it. I believe the key is for you both to understand that, not only do you not need him, but you don't need anyone --unless he's the one. You have to take a step back. You have to be honest with yourself about why you're with someone: Is it because you're lonely and they're available or because you really, truly prefer them over every other person in the world?
I can't do it. What I wanted to say was, "My heart is somewhere else," because it is... but that has nothing to do with Kendell --it has everything to do with me. It's a decision I have to make on my own. Sometimes, we choose temporary satisfaction over the real thing because we stop thinking as broadly as we should. The decision to start/end a relationship should be as thought out and methodical as any other decision you make. Will I be happy? Is the this best choice, right now? What are the other options? What sacrifices do I need to make to make this most beneficial? What will this cost me? Is the outcome greater than the cost? I'm alone every night, but I wouldn't submit myself to the unhappiness I felt before -- and I wouldn't sacrifice everything I currently have on the line. I need to look out for myself. Kendell doesn't really give a fuck about me.
"Hold on. Wait. Just a second. I just want to say something."
"You had twenty minutes to say what needed to say on the train," I told him. At this point I was fed up. He even got off at my stop (he was on his way to parole -_-) and was harassing me for a hug 2 doors from my office. The concern I had was seeing one of my co-workers in this awkward situation. And while I love his ruggedness, I don't love it all the time. & in an office where men show up with shirts, ties and anything Prada -to be honest-- I didn't want to be embarrassed. This is my job. My livelihood. And if Kendell's not able to support me in the case that I should lose this job, he's certainly is not worth the stress over it. "I have to go to work," I said. Again, #OverIt.
"Just a hug," He asked, so I gave him one and unconsciously patted him on the back. "Stop the patting shit please," he complained. He wanted emotion from me but there was nothing there. "Not even an inch of love?" he had inquired.
"Not an inch. Not a centimeter. Not a millimeter," I responded and gave him the are we done here face
"Listen," I said as I broke away from him. "My job means the world to me. And you're making me late. And you don't care whether or not I make it there. I have to go," I said and walked away.
I encourage you all to walk away when the time calls for it as well. You need to sit back and pay attention to your best interests. But if one loved you, another will soon enough. Trust me. Just make sure that you're happy. Everything he does should make you happy. Even as Kendell tried to apologize to me, I was irritated. The last thing I need is to be stressed before 10am. Not to mention, the shit felt good. It felt good to know that I made the right decision. I was good to myself. I behaved correctly for my current situation. I know that I could tell whoever I'm involved with now this story and not be ashamed of what I did or hide any of the details. That is how you know you made the right choice --you feel no regret. I felt like I claimed myself. I took charge. I showed myself that I care about my own happiness. It felt good to know that I understand my worth --and so does Kendell. And so will my future husband.
I encourage you all to walk away when the time calls for it as well. You need to sit back and pay attention to your best interests. But if one loved you, another will soon enough. Trust me. Just make sure that you're happy. Everything he does should make you happy. Even as Kendell tried to apologize to me, I was irritated. The last thing I need is to be stressed before 10am. Not to mention, the shit felt good. It felt good to know that I made the right decision. I was good to myself. I behaved correctly for my current situation. I know that I could tell whoever I'm involved with now this story and not be ashamed of what I did or hide any of the details. That is how you know you made the right choice --you feel no regret. I felt like I claimed myself. I took charge. I showed myself that I care about my own happiness. It felt good to know that I understand my worth --and so does Kendell. And so will my future husband.
This is simply another lesson learned: I don't like a man who stresses me. Arguments are done. I have better shit to worry about. Shit that puts money in my account. I silently compared Kendell to the guy on my mind. Not only did Kendell fall short, but he barley took off by comparison. That is the main reason you have to learn how to let things go when they're over. You cant keep looking back if you want to move forward. And in committing yourself to the wrong man for the wrong reasons, you miss out on who you should be with. So embrace the failure. Take note of what things should be like next time around. What you do & don't like. Make a wiser decisions. & when a man shows those traits that you don't like, you've got to stop fooling yourself --& damaging/hurting/ruining yourself --and avoid repeated the same shit at all costs. You make allotments for the shit you don't like just so that you can have a little bit of what you do like. In the end, it's not worth it. You lose more than you gain.
You need what you need to make you happy. Stop denying yourself.
Shit happens. On to the next one.
Remember: The guy who is worth your time works his ass off to keep a smile on your face. He proved himself to where, no matter what any other man offers you, they could never take you from him. & in the worst arguments -at your most irritated -leaving him never crosses your mind.
If leaving crosses your mind, you should have probably left long ago.
It's okay to leave; it's the only way to get anywhere.
xoxo, though ;)
Ella
