Ask Ella: How do I get REAL dates?

Hey missy,

I am curious about your view on what seems to have become today's version of dating for most women - now known as "hanging out" "chilling" "talking to"..SMH

Sure, I think there are some women out there that meet up for a dude for HH and then he asks for an official date, then another, another...but in my experience it's mostly "I was gonna swing by if you're home" and "we can watch a movie and get ice cream if you come over"... With the guy i'm kinda currently "talking too" (i.e. we talk on ph every other day or so and text almost just as often...it's only been a few weeks)...I had to bring up going out to lunch for us to go.

I know I have repeatedly made the mistake of kissing very soon (2nd day after meeting him), agreeing to come over and chill ending up in making out... He's cute, I love kissing, he's a good kisser...but I mean I like him and I feel like he likes me and has done things to show it's not all about getting in my pants so...why not? But perhaps that's what puts me in the "house hanging" zone? How do you get back to DATES? And i'm not saying it needs to be expensive but just not in my house or his...

Hey Love, 

     I'll tell you this straight up: I don't chill unless I'm chillin'. I wrote about it in "Lucky Number 7." If a dude asks me to chill and I'm with it, I expect us to cool out, roll an L and maybe grab something to eat. All on his dollar though, because regardless of how we feel --lovers or friends -- I'm still a lady. I think this is where the wheel fell off the wagon in the first place. There is the way we chill with the guys we hang out/grew up with, then there's the situation that should occur when you're dating a man you're interested in.  Not only have men stopped treating females as women, but they've become accustomed to "friends with benefits." It's understandable, because they want to keep it cool. They say that if you start out as friends, things will go smoother... but who says you can't be his friend from across the table? I admire you for making a move many women  fail to do --I call this raising your stock value. Every woman requires a different amount of work if you want to get in her jeans. Very little came between me & my Calvins. Even less now between myself & my Sevens.        

     You don't go. If it's not what you had in mind, you're busy. You're unavailable. The only time you agree to do something with him is when he comes up with a good option. 

 I believe the issue is, it gets the the point where you're tired of being alone. You'll do anything just for some company because you're probably not a bad person & male company is always enjoyable. Conversation (with the right person) is not only beneficial to a relationship but to you -spiritually- as well. Having full conversations with someone --and avoiding the touching and kissing--allows you to connect with each other on a level some relationships never reach as they remain lost in the warmth between your thighs. Then everything you know revolves around the  bedroom --the reasons you break up & how you make up.   If you want to be taken out, you need to let him know that going out is what you like to do. Partially, I just think it's that is you're in too close proximiity to a person, and you want to hang ot, but have no ideas, you default to a movie in bed... but the sooner you let him know what your sheets feel like, he wants to feel on something else, doesn't he? Remember, you can tell him you want to go out. Make up the plan yourself if he's not working at your pace. Tell him where to meet you. If you're still afraid to express your wants & desires, take a step back and ask yourself why. The whole point of this dinner thing is to get to know one another but you're already having problems expressing yourself. You've got to take charge. 

       Avoid the bedroom at all costs. If you do end up at his house of your house, you make sure to hang out in the living room. You watch a movie as you had intended to, and when he starts rubbing and pushing up, you call it an early night. Sometimes things do move too fast and you shouldn't blame yourself--the attraction might have just been that strong. But at this point is when you need to reevaluate whether you're kissing him because you need to find a way to connect your souls or because he looks like he's mastered his stroke. Sometimes it is all base shit, but if it is, I suggest you either go through with it and move on --because he's there for the pussy now, there's no turning back -- or you get yourself as much satisfaction as humanly possible and put his ass on pause. (Make that thang Avatar. Don't feel bad about leaving him blue. ) & You know I wouldn't ask you to do anything I haven't done. 

        To be honest, it'll start off slow. It had gotten to the point (with me) where I wasn't even sure of how it felt like to be a "girlfriend" since so many people are afraid of dating with serious intentions. I forgot what it felt like to be a lady.  Some men won't want to date you at all. They'll call you materialistic --as will your friends. But you should require dates based on the fact that you deserve them. When I started "dating" (which you know is fairly recently) I was going out on dates with guys I didn't even really like like that. But it benefitted me in that, when I met the next guy, he was well aware that the last had spoiled me, so he had to act accordingly. It simply became mandatory.  Now, I'm not asking you to aim for expensive either --but why not? The key here is to decide what you are worth. How much work should a man have to put in? You decide this for yourself (and it'll vary depending on the guy and his worth) but stick to your guns. If you feel guilty kissing on date 2, then don't do it again. Some people are okay with that. I don't recommend it. You have to make them feel like they have to work up to it. Like I said: Raise your stock value. 

       He won't budge, huh? Now you've been on the phone with this guy and he has yet to invite you out on a date. Ok... don't pick up anymore. *shrugs* You're busy. "Disappear for a day or two (or seven) to test his loyal ground," and when you come back, you call him real friendly and suggest you grab something to eat. Tell him you're already out --which you should be. Tell him you'll be there whether he shows up or not. Whether or not he shows will show you how he really feels about you. And yes, this is representative of how he feels about you. If your heart is better than mine though, you'll give him another go. He probably won't show up... again. It's not that you're a bad person, it's that some niggas are really just looking for pussy. You need to weed them out. The trick here is to not get upset. Don't get in your feelings. He has no idea how great you really are --even if he does. If he stops calling, he stops calling --you probably didn't need him in your life anyway. If he keeps trying to come over and chill, eventually, you let him know that if you're going to be in your house, you'd rather do it alone. You were actually looking for someone to enjoy the world with, not to be trapped in a box. Just because you're dating someone doesn't mean you have to seclude yourselves from the world.  It doesn't matter who he is or how much he fights it before he gives in, when a man wants to take you out to eat, you go.  But you always cut the date short. You don't go up to his place and it's too late for him to come over. I tell men I have a curfew, forreal. No boys allowed inside after midnight. He'll take it as I joke. I hope you take it serious. 

      He's buying dinner, not pussy, so don't feel obligated to repay him. At the most, kick in for the tip - if you like him.  You deserve it. The friendship at the very least. I always go with the intentions of  cleaning out the bank, but that's just me. I eat well. I take it as friendship, anyway. I felt guilty at first, but I realized that I deserved it in my post, "Are We [Dating] Yet?" He's a man. He'll make the money back-- at least he should.  Whatever you didn't  spend on dinner, you transfer over into your savings. You come out on top. You have a good time. Talk to him as if  you had been on that living room couch. You smile, you laugh, you joke, you look gooooooooooooooood (whatever good is for him, most likely how he met you - a little less slutty lol)  The better you look while you're out, the better he'll feel about spending. You've got to look like the best money he's ever spent. Not only that, but he'll look forward to going out with you just to see how beautiful you are. By going to dinner, you'll find out how much he has in his pocket. Some don't have enough -- check my date "That's What I Get."  Getting someone out of their element allows you to see who they really feel (Read"Worst Date Ever"). The conversations you have will show you whether or not you values and dreams align as I describe in "Arrogantly Humble". Mostly though... the dating is a buffer. It gives you more time to make those grown folk decisions and avoid regrettable actions. It's in integral part of bonding with someone. Sometimes love is just like business, you need to have meetings so you can gauge your progress and whether your goals align. Again, I applaud this move as it's worked for me thus far and... How's it feel? Very happy. *JCole Inspired*

     Here's the honesty: You don't need to be taken out, you just need to know that you're worth it and you're not wrong for that. & If a man isn't willing to do what you want to do to make you happy, you need to reconsider how he really feels about you. And a man with any sense in his head will understand that it might take a couple more dates to get this particular lady in his bed. A man will only put in as much work as he has to. You decide what kind of man you want. Don't be discouraged by the "golddigger:" accusations you're likely to battle --they'll be made either by men with no money and no love, or girls who use pussy as currency. With these people, you need not be concerned.  The only way to combat this is to also date yourself. Going out to eat does feel good, but are you just trying to get something out of this man that you can't do for yourself? He's only going to treat you as well as you treat yourself. The more you do, the more he has to make up for. A nigga doesn't want to feed you, he wants to treat you... so make him feel like that's the part he's playing. But ain't no feeling like a man putting food on your table. Learn to be truly independent... read my July 4th post. 

      I suppose the next step is to keep the dates coming. Men are stingy. The way I worked it in "Lucky Number 7" was to date as many guys as possible. Meet as many as possible so that you know the spectrum of what's out there and so that he  knows that other men are willing to entertain you if he'd rather not. Sometimes, a nigga needs a reminder, forreal. All else fails, you take yourself out. The longer you stay in the "house hanging" zone with him (and you're correct, you are) the longer you'll stay there. Sometimes, people just aren't financially in the position to go to dinner every week, but perhaps you can work together to find other things to do. Im with you in that it's not about the money... but you gotta get out that house, girl. But don't trust'em too soon... every guy takes a different amount of time to show he may just be a "Sex Craved Nice Guy".  Careful... some will try to fool you. That thing between your legs is powerful.

Good luck, doll ;)


xoxo 
Ella