DISCLAIMER.

I've been trying to figure out how much I should speak. Part of me yearns to withdraw from the world and into complete solitude (probably expect for social media) but in reality I simply don't want to have too much conversation anymore. 

I'm never satisfied with the outcome of a conversation. Either I said too much or not enough. Either I feel open and exposed or misunderstood. I wish I could have my conversations beforehand. You know, so that I can prep. So that I can align my thoughts and say exactly what I mean to say. Unfortunately, though, that is not the case. So most of the time, I say nothing -even when i say things. I don't give people all of me unless I see that they are able to handle it. Mostly because I am insane... Well, I'm not really insane, I'm just not the "norm". I'm not like the majority of people out there in that I actually am who I say I am and when I say I'm crazy, I mean it. I don't deny my crazy, because in the moment it comes out, I'll seem like a liar. If I tell you I'm the type to pick up a knife and chase you out of my house... you better invest in chain-mail body armor. If I tell you I'll say whatever the fuck is on my mind... you better have your middle finger ready for me because Im sure I'll deserve it.

Still, when I give people the over-arching explanation of who I am, the fail to see who I'm not. I'm not a bad person. I don't say what's on my mind for no reason. I say it because it might benefit someone. Maybe you. Maybe myself. At the end of the day, someone should say something. And sinceI have very little heart left, it should be me. I'm not the girl who gets upset when you make fun of her. Words are my best friend, you can't possibly turn them against me. I also don't pick up knives for no reason. But when I feel like my safety is in danger... when I feel like a battle is to be fought and I am in need of  protection, I will do what I have to. Not to mention, I'm a Dominican woman... I love good knives. 

    It's come around full circle. Now I sound crazy because I've given you small details. The creative haters will take it upon themselves to fabricate a story of what I must have done to whom. I'll tell you now that the stories are fascinating. They're brutal. They're introspective. They're experiences. But most of all, they're 100% true as I experienced them. So no matter who wants to call me crazy, I'll tell you how the points lined up and my mind and allowed me to make the decisions I made. And while I may not be proud of everything I've ever done, I understand why I did it and wouldn't have had it any other way. I don't encourage anyone to follow my footsteps, for anything mine belongs to me, so you'll have to make your own path. I say this because you are not me and I am not you. It is impossible for two minds to think alike as they've not had the same experience. 

     Brittany has a disclaimer on her site (One Spotlight) so I figure I'll employ one here. But as with any of my posts, by reading along... I place all responsibility on you, as the reader. I frequently get messages from females thanking me for my writing and telling me things like they "aspire" to be me. You don't understand how this makes me feel. On one hand, I'm honored. Like... honored. If you've been reading along with me for a while, you know why I do this. 99% of this is for me. 1% is for you. And while that might not seem fair... that's all I can bare to give to you. I can't give my heart and soul for you. I can't do anything for you, really, except show you that I'm just me. When I write, and you all comment back about being able to relate and finding solace in my words, I find my greatest satisfaction in knowing that I'm not alone. As much as you feel alone in your thoughts, I feel alone in mine. The only thing is, I've pledged to myself to never be inhibited as to how I feel. I experience the world through myself. No one else. So if I don't matter to me, what does? I challenge you all to inquire the same. 

      As I continue on this journey and bare my truths to you, I hope you understand that I am one person experiencing the world as it comes to me. I haven't had the prettiest experiences. I don't always have the kindest thoughts. But I have plenty material for storytelling. I'm going to stop being afraid. I'm going to tell you everything because, from here on out, I tell no one nothing. No one will hear the story from my mouth, you'll have to visit my site. This is where my secrets come to play. Safely. 

There have been reasons I've wanted to keep stories from you. Mainly cuz... People read this muthafucka. Friends. Family. Employers? Boo's?  It's all really scary shit. But I should be allowed to be a person shouldn't I? Maybe my family will finally get to know me. And perhaps the guy(s) I'm crushing on will love me despite the flaws I put on front street. Or maybe I'll be able to let weight of my shoulders and breathe easy. Maybe someone will learn from me. Maybe there's a girl out there who needs me to say what I've said. Someone out there feels me. Someone. We're lonely most of the time, but we're never alone. Sometimes we feel like if there isn't someone enclosed within four walls with you, there's no one in the world, but that's not true. You're always with yourself. You should always be your own companion. And if all else fails, you can come back to this sight and I invite you to walk beside me in the desert. It won't be easy. We'll each hallucinate our own fantasy gardens in the middle of it all, but your path, when we reach the other side of each blog, may be different from mine. And that's perfectly fine with me. 

We made it out alive right?