A Friendless Satisfaction.

I've been alone. When I'm surrounded by friends.  How could the silence be so loud? But I go home,  knowing that I've got you. There's only us when lights go down. -Beyonce, "Ave Maria."

      No one calls. I forgot my phone at home today and I remembered I don't care. I've been 30 different people since I started this blog (now I'm cinderELLA btw, because it's justwhatiwannado.), and each one of my fantastic personalities has grown since. We thank you (in unison) for your support over the past couple of months. The best part about writing this is that I get to remind myself: Or where I've come and reinforce the decisions I make --making them all pretty good ones. Truth be told, without this blog, I don't know how I'd make it through. Secretly, my life is depressing. All I do is work and I have no friends. I mean, I have friends, but not people I talk to and see frequently. Except if we... ummm work together. My job has become my life. These are the people I see most often. Whose daily lives I'm connected to. And most people don't like to like their jobs, but.. hey. I'm quite comfortable at my desk.  Excluding my co-workers, I talk to Carl the most and he lives in Philly (so does Ash).  Katelynn and I keep in close contact, she's in Rhode Island along with Crys & Bre. Lisa & I don't speak like we used to, but she crosses my mind even though Maryland is 4 hours away. With that said, my closest friend is 2 hours away. Then there's you guys! (I <3 my readers.) So here I am. 

      I'm not at a complete loss, though. Loyola left me with great people, a couple of girls who live in the city & invite me out every once in a while. And here is where we get to the nitty gritty. I love these girls, really do, but... if we're honest, here's the chemistry behind it all: I'm good friends with all of them, but I'm not who they tell their secrets to. & conversely I don't tell them mine. We haven't gotten to that point yet. I'm just establishing (or expanding) new friendships with people and (especially with females) so I'd like to take my time. Besides that, I have family.  So... there are people I can talk to, but I'm really just in the need for some... girl talk, you know. Open and honest and stupid.  Typically, I say "I don't like girls." I do. I just like particular ones.ones with whom I stand on common ground --a place where our thoughts align-- but until then. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. I'm not sure why people get offended at being a "half-friend" -- you know, friends you call when you want to go out? I've had half-friends galore and I'm sure I've been a half friend. I'm at the point in my life where I'm okay if you just call me to go out. I like a party partner. I'm not sure I'm looking for someone to share my soul with --wait I am. And perhaps that's the reason I'm so against making friends... I'm looking for something else: A man.  And, yes, if you want to get sappy, I am talking about that stupid, stupid phrase, "soul-mate." One's truest friend. I haven't given up ladies. I've had some false alarms, but I'm still out here. 

        My situation with my friends might sound a little depressing but... it's not that big of an issue really. I think this is how it is: When you're young, you spend every waking minute with your friends --if you're lucky. But, your life changes depending on the road you want to take. I'm a quieter person than I used to be. You might say I've quieted my demons. I've had enough experiences being close to people (too close even) that I greatly appreciate my own space. Guys tend to ask me if I have friends and I can only muster up a couple different responses: 1. No. 2. Yes, but not for you. or 3. Yes, only women, not whores. I don't have friends I call up to "chill" with guys. Maybe because I don't "chill". Maybe because I don't have friends. (lol)  If a guys is looking for a potential girlfriend, I can provide options... but I don't think I'm that kind of girl anymore. I've outgrown "chillin," for the most part, as have my friends.

      I've partied lots. At one point, a little too lots. There are a slew of people reading this right now who can list off nights of stories I'd rather not repeat. I did it when I was supposed to, though. I didn't quite make it to Girls Gone Wild, but I  was a regular college kid. I partied a lot, met lots of people and found my way into the in-crowd -- but, luckily, didn't get stuck there (ever notice how the cool kids are only cool for 4 years at a time?).  I currently feel like Jay-Z's "If I Should Die," but I'm certainly not... dying. What I mean to say is that people tend to pity me --at least I think so. I'm living all alone so far away from the people I love --going to nightclubs by myself. But, in life,  once you've been there, you've done that. I've graduated. So, instead of standing in a corner drunk, or falling over on the dance floor, I stand pretty with my drink of choice (right now, I'm on my Bailey's on the rocks or Patron Citronge with orange juice depending on how much I want to feel). Sounds boring doesn't it? For you maybe, but I love the vibe of the club. It's a beautiful thing to watch people enjoy themselves, I don't necessarily need to be a part of the hot mess to enjoy it -- and it's funny to watch the fights break out. (Saw some chicks go in at Providence last week.) I like to get out of the house and most times, I don't care where I go. I want to have been everywhere at least once. That way, I know I haven't missed out on anything. And... I've found that the club is the club is the club no matter what shiny name you put over door.  I just wish my ladies were here to experience these same ass clubs with me. 

      I want friends who barely call. I don't want to go out all week. But I do want to go out once a week. I do lunches. I do dinner. I do shopping. I'm a city girl, already. I like to be out --preferably wearing a good summer hat & I need a friend who will do that with me. The problem is, I've lived.  So I need friends who feel the same way. You can't count on me every night. And I probably won't call you during the week. I'm not sure how else to put this but... I'm grown. I don't require much and there's not much I haven't seen or done (within boundaries). I mean, I like attention. But for the most part, I entertain myself. I have plenty books to read and I'm doing quite fabulously on my Rosetta Stone Italian lessons. My question to the girls who can't even go to the bathroom on their own: What happens when you get married? (Because I will, one day.) When you have children and you have to work and cook and clean?  Personally, I don't really like people in my house. I'm a rotten old lady I know it. I'm afraid of becoming "The Countess" in Judy Blume's Summer Sisters who lives a long and wear suede suits in the summer. I don't want to end up alone.  FML. I'm too fly for my own good.

        But you've got to remember you're not going to marry your best friend. So you have to act accordingly at some point. Not every decision you make can be dictated by how your friends will feel about it. Nor can you tell them everything. Because your friends will find their own men that they confide in to tell all of your secrets to. And they're not wrong for this. The only person you should tell everything you don't tell your best friend is your man. But it shouldn't be the other way around. Your man should know everything your friends know. In the ideal world, you should be able to talk to your man about anything.  Why not? You should be able to have the same conversations with him as you do with them. If not, you're talking about the wrong things. You need to find alternate conversation. I think this is why I've lost friends: I'm no longer comfortable. I don't even know how to talk about sex anymore... like... what tone do I use? What words? What do I call it? Maybe I seem like a prude, or... I just know how to keep my mouth shut. Or perhaps the person who is really meant to be your best friend is the person you marry... That covers all bases. I know it's sad to think about but, one day... you'll grow apart from your friends as they invest themselves in their own lives. Their own families. At least, that's the way it should be. 

    I feel I'm at the right point in my life. I've encountered obstacles I'm supposed to encounter now. "The only friends you'll have are you're friends from childhood, your friends from college and your family. You won't make any new friends," that's what my... brother-in-law's mom told me. And I'm okay with that. Everyone around me fully supports me. It's not like I need new friends. I do a pretty good job at picking them. I've had the same ones since the 1st grade and have added some pretty bad bitches to the wedding party since then. I'm pretty okay. I'm fairly close with a wide selection of beautiful independent women. And by "wide selection" I mean we used to give them a "what flavor you lookin for?" when we were younger. (We were too much lol) That's why they're my friends: They're hot. But it's not just that, it's that I don't have to call. I'm notorious for falling off the map, but I'm renown for my comebacks. Still, over the years, I've always know that these are my true friends --the one who are never around but I can always call. 

      I don't feel guilty about wanting to be alone anymore. I truly do feel independent. There are different types of independent though: There is the type that simply means you pay your own bills (bravo to you) and also the type who can think for themselves. I encourage you ladies to move towards this type of independence. The type wherein all decisions made are your own so that you can hold your head high. So that you know yourself and what you are capable of. So that you are comfortable in your own skin. Secure in your own identity. I promise you, that when you get here the reward is remarkable. You'll win yourself. You win your life.

Next up: 

    Both fortunately and fortunately, my newfound independence has gained me  one more friend. I'll tell you all about him soon.   Stay the hell tuned. I'll be live on "WTF" TV all week. smh.

Love ya mucho, 

Sorry I've made you wait so long. The nest is yet to come. 

& Gracias for leggo-ing.

leggo = read in Italian. I'm tri-lingual in the bi-otch.