As I look back on what I've done. The type of life that I've lived. How many things, I pray, the Father will forgive. - Lauryn Hill "I Used to Love Him."
I'm a little unsure of what to do with men. I'm trying to figure out where exactly they fit into my life. I've had to travel a bit the past couple of weekends, but since I was going home, I decided to bring a suitcase of jackets and put them in storage (aka my mom's house). I had a friend help me with my suitcases.
"I'll bring around the car and you meet me out front," he offered.
"Can you just take one suitcase down with you?" I asked.
"That's why I'm bringing the car around."
"It rolls."
"I don't want to carry it."
"It rolls."
"But I'm bringing the car so I don't have to roll it."
"I can't bring both suitcases down myself."
"but..."
"That's why you're here!"
There was an exclamation point there because I actually did yell. I was frustrated & I meant it. He stopped in his tracks and gave me the "word" look. Still, he took the suitcase and did what I wanted him to do. He laughs about it now, like its a big joke... but I never apologized. Part of me feels bad that I told him that... but part of me (and him) knows that it was simply the truth. Men have a purpose in your life: Protector. Provider. Fix shit. Carry bags. Open jars. That's why I don't like small men. I need a guy who can reach the top shelf without sharing my footstool.
"If I didn't need a man, I wouldn't have one." That's what I told him. Not that I need a man, it's simply beneficial. I don't need to hire movers; he is the mover. I don't need to call anyone for help; he is my help. Affection and emotion matter, yes... but that can't be all. If all I want is love, I call my mom up. She loves me. I think there's more to a relationship than just the.... boyfriend/girlfriend part. The same way I need him to carry my bags, he needs me to help him out. Someone to cook for him. Clean up after him. Care for him. "So what do I get in return," he asked. "TLC," I responded. "But that doesn't mean sex," I added. "I know. At least we're on the same page," he told me. He made my day with that one.
"I've got you figured out," he said. "You want me to do certain shit and say the shit you want to hear," he finished. "That's perfect. You didn't have to figure it out, though, I could have told you that straight up," I responded. It really is what I need. I just need a man to do what he needs to do when he needs to do it. I hate having to ask for things. I hate expecting things only to be let down. I need a man to be a man. So that I can be his lady. The key, I believe, is to always treat her like you're dating. Like you like her. Like all that matters is how good of a time she's having. Like her happiness is all that matters in this world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm abusing him. But he likes to do it. He wants to do whatever will make me happy... and dammit I'm going to let him. But, in turn, I aim to be very open and honest with him. "Are we dating?" he asked. I didn't know how to respond so I simply laughed it off and never answered the question. "Do you want to date me?" I asked back. What we landed on was this: He wants to be the only one I'm dating, but doesn't want the "crazy" that comes along with girlfriend. I understand. But I also don't want the "lazy" or "stingy" that comes around with boyfriend. I have a date on Thursday, but it's not with him. & I don't know if I should tell him yet. Thing is, the first time I spent the night with him, he asked me if I had plans the next day. "I have a date at 1," I answered, "should I go?" I've been honest with him before.
I believe that if a man sees you as too accessible, he no longer wants you. They want to have what everyone else wants. It's the reason people like anything pretty. A woman can have jewelry boxes and closets full of pretty things she never wears simply because she wants to own those things. You want to be the sole keeper of anything you consider precious. Anything with quality. And that's what he wants with me. So here's the plan. I saw him yesterday, so today is a break day. But I'll tell him that on Thursday, I want to be taken on a date. Either he can take me, or I can go with someone else. It's up to him. If he doesn't want to come through and play his part, his fault. I'm still going to be able to dress nice & eat well. I feel like I simply have to let him know what's going on. If he doesn't want me to do certain things, he's going to have to put in work to prevent it from happening. I'm still going to meet men. I'm going to flirt. I'm going to give out my number. But it won't go any further if it doesn't have to. I'm tired of waiting around for one man to do it all --even though I wish I could have one man who could. But for now, yes. I am dating. Often, actually.
I don't want to abuse him. I really don't. But I can't sit around. I've gone through so much with men needing me to wait on them that I simply can't do it anymore. I live by the motto that if you don't do it someone else will. I mean... say what you want... but if he were to call me & say, "I'm ready to go, so if you don't take care of me, I'm going some where else," I'd head to Vicky's, pick out an outfit and make it one hell of a night for him. If he were my man, that is. I think he has a right to tell me that. Then I can make the decision of whether or not I want to do something about it. I can allow him to stray, or put in work & keep him around. It's my choice to keep him just like it's his choice to keep me.
But this is just another theory for the world to watch me test. I'll let you know how it goes.
Xoxox,
[Ella]
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