Sometimes I wanna hug you, sometimes I wanna push you away. Most times I wanna kiss you. Other times, punch you in the face. - Rihanna "Complicated"
From one minute to the next. That's how quickly I can change my mind. One effin minute to the next. This is what scares me the most. That the moment I admit/make public what I think, I find reason I shouldn't have said anything at all. Maybe I get ahead of myself. Or maybe I overreact. Both are very plausible but walking in my shoes... it's all one in the same. The same feeling get stirred up. Regret. Shame. Embarrassment.
Part of it is due to my man ego. I grew up with my brother, primarily guy friends and bonded mostly with my older guy cousins. I vibe incredibly well with males. I don't like to be made a fool of. I don't like to be disrespected. I'm extremely quick to say "fuck him" and delete a number or two. It's that quick. If this doesn't work... I move onto the next. I mean what really am I supposed to do? I don't even know what the real issue is. Perhaps it's because I'm alone. Or perhaps its because most of the people around me are in positive relationships that makes me want one of my own. What I won't let happen is for me to get caught up in... anyone. I can't get dragged down. One fatal mistake women tend to make is to put a man above all else. To give him reigning importance in our lives. Even in our day-to-day dealings. I understand this if there is a serious commitment made, but until then... #YeaTheFuckRight. That's how you get caught up. It's hard. Very hard. To actually like someone and put them lower than you would have before. But it's my own defense mechanism. I don't look forward to anything. I don't expect anything. I know this sounds cold, but I just don't have faith in men anymore. I don't have faith in their ability to make me happy. To provide. To satisfy. To be... men. There's just so few that are the complete package. Not saying they don't exist... I just don't happen to run into them, I guess.
All in all, I appreciate having someone to think about. & At the very least, I am grateful for the material for this blog. It's just that you can feel sooooooooo good about something one day and the next day, absolutely detest it... And by "it" I mean men. I just wish... I didn't read into things so much. I wish things didn't matter to me. That I could let everything slide off my back. Maybe then I wouldn't feel feelings that keep me up at night.
I don't like this dating shit. I don't want to get to know anymore fucking people. I tired of men. I tired of the groping. I'm tired of being called "sexy". I'm tired of Young boys who don't know how to speak to me. I'm tired of grown men who think they're going to "shape" me. I'm sick of having to tell someone about me, when really they should just ask.. or read my fuckin blog. If you really want to know.. I post my thoughts here. I'm not tough to figure out. I answer questions... Mostly though, I'm tired of broke men who complain about women wanting too much although they live in their living room and struggle to pay they own rent. These are the men I've come across. So please excuse me if I get excited at the idea of a potential for a real man. Pardon me if I get ahead of myself. I trying not to lose faith in love. I'm trying to hold on and believe that someone out there is for me. It gets tough. & luckily I can give myself pep talks. But it gets fuckin tough sometimes.
But really it only happens are night... when the rest of the world is asleep. I'm not sure how much I'm missing out on. I'm not sure if a day of happiness is worth the 6 of fighting.. which is how it usually is. It's just that sometimes, while you watch people, even though they love each other... love is always better when other people are around. No one wants to make it look like they're having a tough time. But the simple fact that I, too, have put on the happy face in the worst of times lets me know that things aren't as perfect as them seem.
With that said, I don't even know how I feel about love. I'm... not sure. I'm not sure how much arguing is ok. Because I don't want any. I don't want to fuss. I don't want to fight. I just want someone to love me for who I am. I want to be happy. I've had samples of it, but I'm more interested in the complete version. I suppose I just wrote this to assure myself that if things end soon with You, I'll be just fine. As a matter of a fact, if things ended with you this very second. Or yesterday. Or the day before. I'd be fine. & I want to keep it that way.
Whenever I start feeling like this, I remember Jay's "Ma, Don't give him nothin unless he's treating you special" verse from "Show You How".... This is why I don't sex. Just imagine how imbalanced I'd be if I were sleeping with You. smh...
Back to balanced.
& Goodnight.
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